


Can't Pretend

by the_lights_and_the_roses



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buddie Trick or Treat, First Kiss, Getting Together, Introspection, Let’s just pretend covid never happened, M/M, Post Season 3, Wouldn’t that be nice?, angst with fluff, oblivious to each other’s feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27310786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_lights_and_the_roses/pseuds/the_lights_and_the_roses
Summary: Or the one where it’s Halloween and Eddie realises in the middle of a call that perhaps his feelings towards Buck aren’t as platonic as he thought.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 254
Collections: Buddie Trick or Treat





	Can't Pretend

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MayWilder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayWilder/gifts).



> When the Buddie discord organised a Trick or Treat, I knew I had to take part. I really hope you enjoy your ‘treat’ fic MayWilder!
> 
> Treat Themes: Hints of mutual pining and also first kiss/ getting together
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own 9-1-1 or anything associated with it. The title is from the song Can't Pretend by Tom Odell which I also do not own, etc.

He realises it on shift. In the middle of a call. It’s Halloween, which almost feels fitting and the culmination of weeks of just not being able to put his finger on why things feel slightly off.

Arguably everything has been great. The team seems solid at work; Chim is admittedly way into the pre parental panic and worry phase - a memory for Eddie that now feels so long ago, he can hardly remember it. He really doesn’t want to say that this worry is a nothing compared to the sheer terror of holding your child for the first time and realising that you’re responsible for them, that somehow at the moment a baby can weigh far more than seven pounds.

The problem is, the thought has just hit him now and suddenly Eddie completely understands what people are talking about when they say a thought hits them like a train. It’s almost like being back in the fight club; it’s a sucker punch.

There’s part of him that is thinking that perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps this has been building for years and now he’s finally realised it. It’s just as far as opportune moments go to realise that you a) aren’t as straight as you assumed and b) might very well have feelings for your best friend this one really isn’t ideal. Especially because, both Eddie and Buck are currently in the middle of a call, in the middle of a literal fire. 

Eddie is screwed.

Shit.

Shit.

Buck’s been such a huge part of his life; he’s helped him through so much and now Eddie’s managed to mess that up too. And Christopher? Christopher adores Buck and when Buck inevitably finds out and distances himself from the two them then how will he explain that to his son?

Eddie can feel the edge of panic, the way he’s breathing just slightly too heavily for the circumstances.

“You okay there, Eddie?” Buck asks with the concern as the two of them.

“Yeah, yeah, uh you?”

Buck looks at him quizzically. “Fine. This floor’s clear, we should move on to the next one.”

Eddie watches Buck; the assured way he moves throughout the wreckage around them. In a way, he can’t believe it’s taken this long. How could he not have feelings for Buck after all? Maybe it was obvious.

Eddie’s rapidly realising his panic isn’t about the surprise of fact he has feelings for Buck; it’s less of a surprise than it should be.

Buck grabs Eddie’s arm suddenly. “Eddie, careful,” he says, his voice low even through the helmet and breathing apparatus.

Eddie watches as a loose piece of timber falls down to where he was about to step.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, look the clumsy getting hurt at work thing is mine, stay in your lane, man.”

“What’s my lane then?”

There’s a long pause. “You’re Eddie,” Buck says simply. There’s a weight behind his words, there’s something Eddie can’t quite decipher.

What does that even mean?

* * *

They sit in the truck on the drive back, soaked in sweat and soot. Despite this, Eddie feels himself begin to relax, feels the knots and tension just slightly ease. He notices how his leg is leaning against Buck’s, just making contact.

He’s in trouble. He knows it.

“So is Chris going trick or treating tonight?” Bobby asks.

“Yeah, Pepa’s taking him out.” Eddie doesn’t mention that Chris had asked Eddie too, that he’d pretended it was fine Eddie had to work and the way he’d hidden that slight scowl. Eddie hates letting his son down.

“What’s the costume?” Buck asks cheerfully, a look of genuine excitement on his face.

“We went with uh, Spiderman this year.”

“Good choice,” Buck says with a smile. “Hey, did I tell you about the first time I went trick or treating?”

“You remember that?”

“Well, I was like seven? Maddie took me and we were going as ghosts but I didn’t have a costume so I found a sheet - Maddie like did her make up so she looked all spooky and there I was with a sheet.”

“No way!”

“Only, I may have got the sheet out my parents’ room. It may have , perhaps, been Egyptian Cotton.”

“Buck, you are kidding me?” Hen says suddenly.

“Nope. It was the last time I was allowed to make my own costume.”

“So not only did you have a lazy costume -“

“I was seven!”

“But you destroyed the fancy sheets in the process?”

“How would I know what sheets were expensive? Again, I was seven.” Buck rolls his eyes, smirks and pauses before adding, “It gets better.”

“How?” Hen asks incredulously.

“I cut the holes myself and I did it wrong. They weren’t in the right place. So I could only just see out of one eye and then there was another eyehole just below my chin.”

“Tell me Maddie has pictures?” Chim says with a wicked grin.

“Of her in a halloween costume as a teenager? No, she would have burnt them all.”

Buck amazes Eddie. It’s the way he’s so bold and brazen with his feelings, it’s like a superpower. Eddie’s spent so long, too long keeping everything inside and Buck is the complete opposite.

Looking at Buck right now, Eddie has no idea why this morning was a revelation to him.

Eddie looks at Buck who grins at him briefly.

Eddie can’t help looking at Buck’s lips, at his bright eyes and what is he doing? He’s going to ruin everything. He can’t do this. He can’t risk everything with Buck.

It’s just Eddie’s also pretty sure he can’t do nothing either though.

* * *

They’re manning the trick or treat stand. It’s a stark reminder of the year before, only this time Eddie is covered in bruises and this time they aren’t in the middle of an argument. This time, they’ve both been on calls and Eddie, at least, is a little grateful for another moment of respite.

What is it about Halloween? He knows New Year’s is always bad, Valentine’s Day - that’s to be expected, but somehow Halloween shifts are both overly busy and startlingly macabre.

Buck’s smiling and grinning, flirting even with a single mother over the table. Eddie has an unpleasant taste in his mouth; everything’s sour like he’s drank too much coffee and not brushed his teeth.

Eddie hands her a smoke detector, “Happy halloween - be safe,” he says in a mock cheerful tone. The woman looks at Buck briefly, then Eddie - her expression is laced with confusion before she takes the smoke detector he’s still pointedly aiming in her direction and guides her child away.

Buck looks at Eddie with curiosity. “What was that about?”

“What do you mean?”

“You didn’t notice?” Eddie scoffs because really? How could Buck not notice?

“Notice what? We were just talking about-“ Buck falters, raising an eyebrow wide.

Eddie is so damn transparent. He might as well just take one of those banner ads on a plane: Eddie’s an idiot who is falling in love with his best friend and ruining everything.

There’s an awkward silence for a moment as Eddie notices Buck looking at him again quizzically; that same expression as earlier. He watches Buck open his mouth to say something.

“Ignore me,” Eddie says, “it’s clearly -” Jealousy? Eddie can’t say that. “I’m having a weird day.”

“It didn’t work out with the teacher then?” Buck asks casually.

He had a date the night before with Christopher’s teacher, Ana, and it was alright but Eddie couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. It had been pleasant but it was also clear to both of them that perhaps this wasn’t going to work out. It’s probably better that way though; she’s Chris’ teacher and Eddie’s priority needs to be his son. Besides, he’s now realised what was missing, what that little piece that just didn’t fit between the two of them was: she wasn’t Buck.

Eddie avoids Buck’s glances because after the realisation he’s just had, how can he look him the eye and talk about his love life (or lack of)?

Hen has walked over and clearly she heard Buck’s question because she is pointedly avoiding Eddie’s eyes as she shamelessly grabs a handful of candy from the bowl.

“What? I’m hardly catch of the century right now,” Eddie says casually.

There’s a pointed silence.

“That is ridiculous,”Buck says dramatically before gesturing wildly to Hen, ”Hen, Hen, tell him how that ridiculous that is? Eddie have you ever even seen yourself in a mirror?” This is killing him. Eddie swears he can feel heat rising in his cheeks.

“I mean, Buck might have a point,” Hen says diplomatically. “I uh-should uh-” Hen makes a quick exit.

“Flattery aside, I’m a single dad and a widow -“ Eddie says, That’s the thing, isn’t it?

“Anyone who doesn’t want to date you because of Christopher is trash,” Buck interjects fiercely and if Eddie thought he might like Buck a bit more than he should a few hours ago, now he knows.

“Okay, but I also work unsociable hours -“ This is not flirting, this is the opposite of flirting. Why is Eddie saying this? Does he want to pine forever? Is that the best thing.

”As a firefighter,” Buck says incredulously and Eddie can’t help but wonder how often Buck has used the fire fighting with women. He seems to remember Hen mentioning something about Buck ‘borrowing’ the truck for a booty call once which was both the most reckless and yet audacious thing Eddie had ever heard.

“We don’t all use that as our prime dating material,” Eddie says, an image of the woman from moments ago flashing in his mind. He means it in a teasing way but somehow it sounds stiff and cruel.

Buck’s expression drops, creating a feeling in Eddie’s stomach akin to curdling.

Crap, he’s really messing up. It’s just it is really hard to vocalise what’s happened to him today, what he’s realised. It’s not like with Shannon or Ana because they weren’t already his best friend.

“I uh- didn’t mean it like that,” Eddie says.

“Okay.”

“I just - it doesn’t matter.”

“What happened with you earlier on the call?” Buck asks quietly, “you looked like you saw a ghost or something. I mean it is Halloween so-”

“Nothing like that, just zoned out for a minute is all.”

“Date was that bad, huh?”

“No, just - spark wasn’t there.”

“Her loss, Eddie,” Buck says with a conciliatory pat on Eddie’s arm, "her loss."  


* * *

It isn’t that Eddie doesn’t like to let people in per se. It’s that Eddie doesn’t like to expose any vulnerability; since he was a kid it’s been drummed into him to stay strong and not demonstrably show any weakness. Love is great but it’s the very definition of vulnerability, isn’t it?

He messed everything up with Shannon; so much so that she ended up leaving him and then when she came back he still couldn’t get it right.

He can’t do that with Buck.

Things are finally back on track too; Christopher’s in a good place after the tsunami, Buck’s settled on the team and the only changes at the 118 seem positive. What if he ruins everything?

Eddie opens the storage cupboard for the Halloween decorations he’s putting away for another year when he notices Chim is watching them, a curious expression on his face.

“So what’s going on with you and Buck?”

“What are you talking about?” Eddie asks quickly, glancing around the room. There’s no one around but Chim and him.

“C’mon Eddie,” Chim leans against the wall, his arms folded.

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Sure, you know he feels the same way though, right?”

“Again I have no idea what you’re saying, Hen,” Eddie says, a chill running down his body. Chim can’t know, can he?

“Look, I’m not Bobby, Eddie, so you can be real for a minute. You’ve been staring at Buck all day.”

“That’s not true.”

Chim raises an eyebrow.

“Maddie and I worked it out ages ago, we’ve been waiting for you to figure it out”

“What?” Eddie asks incredulously. Everyone’s been talking about me then?”

“No, no,” Chim says quickly, “it was just - Maddie and me, we noticed that well - Buck talks about you sometimes and I think Maddie started off kind of teasing about that when you first joined but recently we wondered if maybe-” Eddie can’t help zoning out; has Buck felt something too? Is Chim also really indicating that Buck’s felt something since Eddie first joined?

“That’s impossible,” Eddie says, “Buck was hung up on Abby and I-I was with Shannon and- I only realised this hours ago!”

“Look, you said something to me earlier in the year, about me and Maddie, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Let me return the favour. It’s easier to take someone else’s advice than your own; so Eddie, tomorrow’s not promised to anyone. If you like Buck, let him know.”

“Thanks, Chim.”

“Just I would strongly advise you not to go in on the PDA on shift if you don’t want Bobby to transfer one of you.”

“Got it,” Eddie says, trying to squash the heat rising in his cheeks.

* * *

Chim’s words stay with Eddie for the rest of the shift; he has a point. Or rather, Eddie did months ago. After Shannon, he vowed that he wouldn’t waste time and would be honest and share how he feels with someone.

He has to take his own advice then. Chim’s all but explicitly said that Buck feels the same. It’s a surprise and utterly unsurprising all at once.

He manages to get through the shift. He tries to not stare at Buck, or be awkward but it feels like he’s wearing a neon sign that very clearly says ‘I just had a game changing revelation and now I think I’m checking you out’ whenever he interacts with Buck. Chim kept shaking his head whenever he passed the two of them for the remainder of the shift.

He needs to talk to Buck away from the firehouse, just them. He can do that.

By now, everyone else has slowly filtered out of the changing room except Buck and Eddie. Buck’s pulling on a sweater and Eddie can’t help but glance over at Buck, noticing the various tattoos adorning his torso. Is there a new one there?

He’s got this. Eddie fought in a damn war, he’s a father and a firefighter. He runs into danger every day so he can tell Buck that ‘hey, it turns out I think I might like you in a less platonic way than I thought I did, how about the weather, huh?’

“Hey Buck, wanna grab breakfast?” He needs to add ‘we should talk’ but his mouth is suddenly dry and he doesn’t know how to say the next words.

“Sure, yeah, sounds good. Hey, you want to pick up Christopher on the way?”

“No, um.. I was thinking just us. Wecouldtalk,” he manages to spit out as heat rises on his face and this is the moment where Buck is going to find out something Eddie’s kept hidden for a long time. He’s terrible at flirting, terrible about having a conversation like this.

“Finally figured it out, huh?” Buck says suddenly, that cocky and infuriating smirk on his face and yet - Eddie can’t help but feel so relieved. How has he figured it out though? Was he that obvious? Did the firehouse - did Bobby notice?

“You couldn’t have helped me out?” Eddie says, a sudden confidence surging through him.

“Nah, you needed to get there yourself, Eddie.”

“How did you know that I’d figured it out?”

“ I noticed you were a little off today but I thought it was just the bad date until I overhead you talking to Chim.” That makes more sense; perhaps Eddie hadn’t been quite as obvious.

“Okay but what if it had taken me years? If I hadn’t realised today, you’d just what, have waited me to figure it out?”

“I’ve got time,” he says with an insouciant shrug.

Eddie presses his lips to Buck’s and what he imagined as a bold gesture isn’t. It’s somehow a gentler, warmer sensation of something being so right and even sweeter than expected.

”I don’t,” he whispers in a low voice.


End file.
